it's not even just the workload, it's the entire atmosphere of school that is really getting me down. i haven't felt this anxious since a levels and it just kills me to think that this is my life for the next 4 years. nowhere in my "exciting uni plans" entailed mugging in the library on the first day of school and having to reflect on whether i was even in the right place.
ultimately, all i want is to be happy, as cheesy as it sounds. sure i get joy from stretching myself intellectually and understand like a good asian kid that everyone needs some pressure in their life, but give me a fucking break it's the first damn day of school. if this is what it's like now, how are the exams gonna be like? are the "heightened career prospects" and a considerably impressive starting pay really worth the misery that you put yourself through? and after uni.... then what? 14 hour days and "networking" and feeling like your life is just all about your work? i have not heard of any instance in which life gets better after school, which really freaks me out.
side note: i really really REALLY hate the word networking. the word only implies the making of connections in preparation for the instance in which it will be useful to you in the future. call me naive but whatever happened to good old making friends and genuinely being interested in people? even socialising is a better term even if it similarly implies the need to be cordial only for specific types of social situations.
man i'm too damn young to be having a mid-life crisis in which i lament about being sucked into the rat race. i can't quite shake the feeling that i sold out too. i wish i could blame it on my parents being Asian Parents but this is all me- abandoning my love for arts and the humanities to the harsh practicalities of the world.
just sent my bbg sonjia off at the airport tonight too and i miss her already. off to the exciting NYU where i could have been too ): at this low point in the misery of the night, i unequivocally count not doing international relations at NYU my biggest regret.
sending sonjia off today and the utter misery of the first day just made me awaken to the horrid feeling that everyone is just on their different paths now and it feels like the old part of my life is over. not the most coherent right now and it has been a long time since i've been so openly honest on this blog and im just sobbing as i type this. im homesick for a time when everything felt safe and uncomplicated.
im so scared of school, so scared of not knowing how i'm going to survive for the next four years and so scared of the feeling of feeling so alone in such a crowded place. i miss having the feeling of having the people i love right there with me and the implicit understanding that no matter what happens, they'd be there going through the same shit as you. my non-judging breakfast club.