i can be the pettiest and lamest person ever sometimes when it comes to friendships and people. honestly, i really hate that about myself- sometimes i aspire for apathy and detachment, it would most definitely save me a lot of brain ache, heart ache and self reflection. Symptomatic of that, a huge pet peeve of mine is to be treated like an afterthought or a go between. On the flip side, I am forever enamoured when people say things like we should do this, do that, because it ultimately shows that people want to make future plans with me. 

sometimes, resentment gets the better of me and i cant help but think that i just need some time away. pain is short lived and i just need time to get used to it, to build up antibodies. to be more.. detached. but this is just me, getting caught up in my own whirlwind of insecurities and perceived threats. even if no one else spares a thought, i will guard my heart to death. 

some nights, i cross all my fingers and toes in the wish for a new life elsewhere, where nobody knows my name. going to university overseas was supposed to give me a chance for a change. i think there will always be a part of me that is forever resentful about my family's financial circumstance that makes a father-mother-scholarship impossible and another part of me that is forever resentful that i am just not as brilliant as other people. sure, comparison is the thief of all happiness, but stick me in a galaxy of stars and still i cannot shine on my own. 

as shir said, a lot of growing up has been done this holiday. sometimes, i feel ashamed that i've chosen the practical path. as i said in my "personal statement", it is a choice that "blends my passions and sense of pragmatism". i'm sorry, but i just cannot bring myself to sell my soul for 6 years with meager pay in exchange for 4 years of highly-likely-but-cannot-be-confirmed joy. there is also a part of me that wishes intently that i had loved my internship and that a light in my dim brain had switched on telling me that THIS. IS WHAT YOU'RE MEANT TO DO. 

but at this point in time, the alternative to my first choice for uni courses turns my heart cold. 

i think that cosmic-idiot.bs gives off the impression that i'm just a really sad depressed person -_- -_- -_-

just want to make it clear that i'm not ok!! i am actually really happy where i am right now and right now as in right now and not necessarily my place in life. i am just thankful for the people for the people i've been seeing the past week and for all the lovely time i have just bumming around. my ass isnt as itchy as it was in the past, now i can just stay home, roll around, attempt to be smarter by reading some non-fiction, eat grapes, watch tv and i am a happy girl. for the sake of writing it down:

Life As A Bum:

last sat: day of fats ate like a pig, brunch with m+p+w and then ice cream+macs w m+p+yj and then dinner with yj 

last sun: HORRIBLE DAY. felt like an awkward child while volunteering, teaching children how to make crafty things. decided i cannot stand bratty kids plus y kids so dumb. oops. that sounded mean. 

mon: ly for some crafty shopping, then dinner+drinks w ly+c+s

tues: bum bum bum bum bum

wed: crafty with ly + isihua's birthday bash

thurs: recovering from the bday bash

today: arts fest briefing + dinner with sxpx 

and next week is gonna be so busy too, plus happyyy because joon is booking out :) 

proof that im happy :) and see, so busy no time to work la. -inserts more excuses-