putting it out here on the table/blog, got rejected by UChicago and wait-listed (pretty much the same thing as rejected) by Carleton. which made me super sad till I saw a malay girl cry on the MRT and thought that her problems were probably worse than mine.

but anyhoo, am still feeling rather sensitive because things have just not been good lately. it's just a sickening ball of unhappiness stuck in my gut and it's going to take a lot more than alcohol and escapism to dislodge it.

today my mom pointed out my contradiction: i diss society's obsession with money, but my university course and complaints about being broke all the time reflect that i'm equally obsessed. (ok so I realised the university course thing on my own, but still). And therein lies the eternal dilemma between What Society Or The Part Of You That Cares Thinks Is Good For You and What The Irrational Idealistic I Just Want To Be Happy! Hippy wants. I'm still in the midst of trying to grasp a middle ground but deadlines refuse to let me brood over it more. the only thing i find myself agreeing wholeheartedly with at the end of it all is that i am probably too young to know what i want for the rest of my life.

recently i find myself wishing that i could just trade my entire life away. call in The Replacements (yay disney) and just get everything changed. it has been a long while since i've felt so... trapped by my own circumstances and a variety of other things. like what people think of me, what people think i should do, what people think People In General should do etc etc. some moments it's just a giant inner scream of FUCK THIS SHIT!!! and then No, You Can't Fuck This Shit and sometimes even You Don't Actually Really Want To Fuck This Shit. you know? it's ok, at least i do. many a time, i catch myself thinking. i'm still young, the hell i'm doing here, thinking this, doing that. i should be out like.. partying or making friends and having adventures. and not be stuck in this sick cycle with an underlying ever constant feeling of dread and unhappiness.

there is a certain joy in a simple life that i wish i were the type to be able to appreciate. to be content with what is in front of you, to count your blessings every day and feel like you're in control. i think i was that once when i was younger. then you start being told things like the bell curve, money is important and what's the point of doing things if you dont do it well. when you reach for the stars and are shown how beautiful space can be, how is it possible to want to and just remain rooted to the earth?

but don't have to worry too much about that coz ding ding, no more Carleton and no more Chicago. putting all my hopes in the Big Apple basket. i dare not jinx it.

so this has been a pretty long post. in summary,

Q: How's life?

A: Sucks.