A levels are a bitch. Kids- never take them. (himym- you are missed) I know they say you will be all the more stronger but that is of course assuming that you will live through it first. man do i truly admire those who have fought and emerged victorious. it just seems that the more i study the more unproductive i am, why why why am i so unmotivated?
if i care enough, i will try to make it work. for the people who matter, i can never convince myself to turn a blind eye to elephants in the room.
i would like to think of myself as independent but i know i am not, i am weak and susceptible to-everything. emotions render my unshakable rationality, pragmatism and logic shakable. this year particularly, amidst all the pressure and the vulnerability that comes with dependence and self psychosis, i am just tearier and more sensitive than ever.
i like incorporating as many elements and nuances to a single sentence as possible.
some days, it just goes like this:
"I played the part I was expected to play. She never had anything to do with me, at all. Every movement I made was an effort of will and sometimes I wondered that no one noticed this. I would listen to my own voice and marvel at it, calm, correct, but toneless surely. But I must have given a faultless performance." Rochester, Wide Sargasso Sea
Many a time surges of emotions stop at the lips and goes straight to paper, or floats about in the dumping ground of the brain which i imagine to be like that of cartoons, a galaxy with random objects floating around (which somehow always includes a cow, a clock and a creepy face) or rather, thoughts. half formed foetuses of thoughts abandoned and never developed nor articulated for the fear of its consequences. once a thought is born you have got to live with it, it trails the subject of the thought and looms beside it, casting shadows upon their faces and you cannot quite see them the same.
next time when i open my bookstore/bar it will not be pretentious! today i was happy just eating kway chup at lorong 4 and drinking kopitiam style ice lemon tea- favourite drink ever? yes a million times over. sorry coke. omg and now i'm hungry again. staying up late makes me hungry. even if it is not very late. talk. ing. to. my. self.
i hang on to the moments that keep me sane.
i care. talk to me.