so here i am...

typing crap.

i'm moving into the hostel on monday! wow. still can't get over how fast it is, but let's not go there for now. it will be a huge change for me and i will miss my dogs ): ok. and maybe my family too. ha ha ha. i'm just hoping that i can adjust to hostel life and just study study study. my worries about hostel are bipolar- on one hand i'm worried i won't have enough space (not physical) of my own and on the other hand i'm afraid i'd be a homesick lonely kid unable to be independent. crossing fingers.

but it's alright. as leeyin who is going to be my new roomie says, we are flexible people, we will manage.

time is flying and i am afraid. the banners declaring "X days to A levels" are up and it just pumps fear fueled motivation and panic into my heart. although evidently not enough to make me not be blogging now, but i digress. i have one aim and it is the 4 glittering As and i refuse to aim for less, although it might be a whole lot more realistic. but i want it and i'm hoping that if i want it hard enough and hence work for it hard enough, it will happen. forget about any extenuating circumstances and inherent limitations, if only the As will descend from the sky from my sheer wanting alone.

i want to go overseas for university (although my reluctance to move into the hostel is shedding doubt on my personal belief that i will flourish independently overseas), simply because i want to. i want to see the world. somehow i have this vision that if i stay in singapore, my life is just going to play out the way everyone expects it to. university -> job -> marriage -> kids -> work till retirement -> retirement and i will be pigeon holed. thoughts! of! being! pigeon! holed! at! 18! i am mad, but it worries me anyway. omg, i dont want to be the same for the rest of the years i'm alive.

i have been daydreaming about travelling a lot these days. mainly during G.P (major yawn). i have been dreaming about exploring, discovering new places and gaining new thoughts and insights about the world. i am lazy i know and therefore i don't capture moments very well in words or photographs that will allow me to relive these moments. i want to live in the moment and enjoy every sensation of it and i do, but damn do i wish i could remember some of them afterwards! i want to travel and write and discover. evidently i have been daydreaming of travelling in the most idealistic manner possible, rising above my consumerist instincts of shopping, gorgeous hotels and cocktails by the beach.

singapore is awesome, i can't deny that, i really do appreciate the security here. but walao, WHY U SO SMALL. i dream of road trips only possible in countries like the US, where you could explore and travel without even needing to get out of your country. but i likesss Asia: Japan, Hong Kong, Taiwan, Thailand etc and i really do not know why i am telling you this. whoever you are.

will you be interested? do you like to listen to me ramble where my thoughts lead me? i hope you do. i like it that people can read what i write if they want to.

i'm sleepy.

i realise the further my mind wanders as my world becomes smaller.

sometimes i wonder who will be there with me through it all, all this madness. i feel like i hardly see anyone these days, let alone know how they're doing. i wonder if this is indicative and i berate myself for i know it takes two to tango ---->>> and i'm terrible at dancing, just to make this metaphor all the more poignant. sometimes i cant help but mull over the sacrifices i make and think about its ramifications. and other times (or at the same time because i am my own counsellor) i hate how i seem to over think things. i am someone who seeks for equality, i don't want to invest time feelings and effort into things that will not give me an equal or equitable rate of return. it just does not seem worth it in the end. in another situation, if the other party isn't worried in the slightest, why should you be, for it implies no cause for worry. applying it onto a third situation- not being there or not being the best friend i know i should be or could be and returning the investment fills me with endless guilt.

i try but it requires so much effort. human relations are complex and trying things.

i wish emotions and thoughts and laziness would just leave me alone so i can cocoon myself and just study study study till my brains explode onto the A level papers from 9-22 Nov in fireworks of mind-blowing brilliance.

i miss debates and my debaters. i miss hanging out at jp after school. i miss pe (wtf?!). i miss not the days of not ever doing math tutorials. i miss the people and friendships that i have inadvertently sacrificed.

sometimes i feel that nobody would ever know me in my entirety, for i would be too afraid of hurting your feelings to reveal all of myself. at the same time, i am bewildered at my own inability to lie and how i cannot seem to control the flashes of emotions on my face. i am always pleasantly surprised when people seem to be able to read me and identify some latent characteristic i never realised i had, yet i would like to be and would like to believe that i guard my private thoughts, fears, hopes and imagination fiercely, revealed only if the circumstances are right.

the multiple contradictions in life befuddles me. sometimes the world is too grey for me to understand it.