Some people bring out the worst in you, whatever you think it may be. It usually is the antithesis of what you pride yourself on, be it your sense of rationality or ability to keep your cool. these people bring out a part of you you never thought existed, as you watch the monster in you rear its ugly head with horror and disgust. ugly, ugly, ugly. i do not like to be ugly, to be dismayed at how terrible i can become, by my own standards. quell it. i would like to quell it, bury it and never let this ugly side of me appear again but it can get so difficult, repressing your emotions and letting it clog your throat and burn, burn, burn.

the good thing is that i get over things relatively quickly, so indeed it will pass. but only the foolish think that anything will ever be forgotten. a similar person, a similar circumstance, will quickly open the floodgates to what you've kept hidden or what you thought you were over.

but i find it difficult to pretend. it is easy to hide behind a screen and let your usual idiosyncratic language play out on the screen, but people have said i can't lie and my face is an open book. behind a screen, it is but writing a story through the voice of someone else, through the voice of another part of you.

it is difficult to separate principles from ideals, intention from action.

through the veil of someone else playing out familiar situations, literature tries to warn us of doom. listen to Christophine, Antoinette, she is right you know.

never mind, never mind. it's alright.