during dinner, i had my mind set on going extremist and becoming a full blown anorexic. it is super wtf lor, both sides of my family (i.e. grandparents on both mom and dad's side) said that i put on weight. i dont know if they collaborated to shred my ego into non-existance but either way, it worked.
i dont even think im fat or whatever but i was so set on eating like baby carrots for break and ensure that my bones can be seen protruding out of my skin (oo a rhyme) and best is faint during pe and go to hospital for being malnourished just so that they'd regret and be sorry that they ever said that. as a result i ate damn little for dinner and surprisingly im not even hungry now at like 12.25 am cos the thought of eating and hearing more things like that just repulses me.
somemore hor that day DUNNO WHO AH say my eyebags v big (actually i really dont know who cos it is more than one and my memory has always been failing) and everybody also say my eyes v small thanks a lot ah i dont know how i bring myself to even look at the mirror everyday.
and last time when i first cut bangs and wore contacts, there were people who were extremely rude and stuck-uppity about it like they were all 'you look damn ugly now la' and outside im like '*smiles* you are entitled to your own opinion' and inside im like 'fkyoufkyoufkyoufkyou'
many times when people tells me *insert random change to features e.g. hair* sucks, the more i like to do it just to spite them in a i-dont-care-what-your-opinion-is-wa.ha.ha. way and secretly bear a grudge (refer to above example), though most of the time it is only to ppl who are damn rude and insensitive.
[this reminds me of some pri skool thing that goes way back that i think ive only told 2 ppl during a particularly interactive sharing session see i bear grudges ok]
i thought of as a result of the put-on-weight remarks i should go binge and make myself SERIOUSLY overweight and laugh and say MUAHAHAH LOOK THIS IS WHATS REALLY FAT, but afterwards i inwardly shiver at the thought.
so, nahhhhh.
not gna be ano, not gna binge, but am not gna eat like normal either.
my ego damn fragile one ok.
really.
i think it's damn hard to be a girl lor. must dress well look good blah and there are so many insecurities that you can be uh, insecure about.
anyway i realised a particular trend at the beginning there is always some kind of buffer time and there is constant reshuffling and then towards the end does everything stablise. i feel like fastforwarding and jumping straight to stablity, i can sense awkward nuances in certain situations and sometimes i wish that things just stayed the same.
anyway the above para shld only make sense to me mehehehe.
my close senior just made me realise that im not close to any juniors. it is an alarming realisation cos ive never noticed it until now. coz in el i love my level and my snrs muchie muchie thus nvr felt the urge to be close to my jnrs and in disco im just not THAT close to them.
so sad leh. i go befriend juniors liao. maybe THAT damn cute one who bears an uncanny resemblance to another blogger's bf and another, though there's nothing like the real thing.
anyway now ccas are now a harrowing brain-exhausting energy sapping experience where we keep having 1 hr prep debates and next tues we're having a 'jere insists must be jg standard debate speech' debate and im EXHILIRATED, lik so frigging scary la. after every debate i never fail to be tired/having a headache/feel inferior. im always afraid id do or say something wrong and when i think of next year's jgs without the seniors i feel like slitting my wrists then burying myself so nobody can find me.
oh but anyway, friday after debates was fun to the max i miss these crappy times with el. i laughed until my stomach ached and i couldnt stop coughing cos i laughed too hard, a reaction that usually only happens with el people. love love love yall, mahjong and more crapping on monday awesome. (:
i wish i lived in a condo so i could hang by the pool on hot sunny days
things can either be flattering or really freaky.