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2012 (i)
Monday, December 31, 2012 6:06 AM

it is my last night in Turkey and hence am consciously trying retune my body clock to Singapore's time (it is now 4.33 am in Singapore and 10.33 pm in Turkey- essentially am just trying to sleep sufficiently little to be sleepy enough to sleep lots on the plane ride back and be bright and bushy tailed when I land at approximately 6.25 am on 1/1/13)

it is the last day of the year in Singapore and most appropriate for a reflection of 2012 (shut up everyone does it k)

2012 was a year unlike any other, inimitable in its unique circumstance that allowed for such tumultous changes and bracing experiences. pleasantly, instead of crushing lessons, what comes to mind when i think of the year are hallmark events and it really amazes me that so much can change and can happen within 365 days.

straight up, the release of A level results was simply mind-blowing for me. am not one of those dipshits who can say things like i barely studied etc... and that applied all my life. but for me, it was enough knowing that Weilin, you just have to try and work for it. while i loved the subjects i did, i was not confident enough to think a good grade was a sure thing especially when pitted against schools with a strong humanities background. doing well in the (English) humanities in a math/science/chinese school always makes me feel like... i beat the odds and triumphant in my underdog victory.

i will always remain wistful of the fact that i didnt manage to do undergrad studies overseas. but even with the benefit of hindsight, under such circumstances, i think it was the right thing to do and technically possible that it was the only way out anyway. i just could not see myself working either as a journalist scholar or as a government loud hailer, even if i came so close to being where i wanted to be with the latter. of course logistical difficulties posed an issue as well but that was a convenient excuse at that time.

law sku honestly is tough but i think i survived a sem kind of swimmingly with surprisingly decent results. really, as with a levels it is another case of the ends justifying the means here... studying for finals was killer. but it's not just about that, it feels like law sku is a different culture altogether and everyone is not only intelligent, but so self-motivated and tough on themselves that i feel like i should be more upset when i dont have stellar grades. i remember my disbelief and scoffing at figures of authority who tried to assure the student population that it was ok to get Bs and Cs. thought i was such a bamf with my miserable unquestioningly sub-par h2 math results throughout jc years. i remember being really really upset on the first day of school too, what with sonjia (we miss you dear) flying off and freshies looking very focused and flooding the study areas. i will work hard when need be but consistency and discipline was never quite in my genetic makeup. on the first day of law school, i just felt... so alone in a strange world, as if i would never be able to relate to even the people i thought were my friends. there was much sobbing and whining on whatsapp that night (erps). but things are okay..? now and i am adjusting and getting the hang of things. (EXCEPT RESEARCH IN THE LIBRARY SRZLY THERE ARE COMPUTERS NOW, PEOPLE!)

i read my 2010 reflective post which entailed lots of gushing about how lucky i am to have the people i have in my life..... i guess this is going to be a recurring theme. at the end of 2012, while i am happy to have made new friends in different realms who are all brilliant amazing people that i would love to get to know better; ultimately the faces i always go back to are the ones who have always been there for me and whom i unquestioningly love, no matter. the year has been busy particularly lately and school keeps me on such a short leash, but my friends who are reading this (and i know who would be reading this), you guys are truly irreplaceable and there is no question of where you stand in my life. one of my biggest fears is to lose these people and i hope that it will never happen, that we will be laughing together to our graves when we are old and spindly. i really think it isnt easy to be close to me and the issue lies wholly in my mindset. while there are people i can click with, it takes a lot more to be a really good friend.

i've been trying not to spread myself too thin and focus on the people that really matter, which inadvertently resulted in consciously cutting people off or at least some kind of difficult decisions and prioritising. to not be too ambigious and washy about it, am thinking of just one person in particular. it will always make me feel guilty and that i'm a bitch but time is finite and i'm just... sorry. ok that had really been bugging me for ages.

also what makes me happy is that even after not meeting a friend for a while, we fall back to old patterns and this blanket of familiarity is a wordless explanation and testament to lasting the test of time.

being an intern for about three months did bring me lots of good and bad memories, but unfortunately it culminated in the realisation that this was not i wanted especially in such a large organisation. regardless, i am still immensely grateful for the opportunity because it gave me such invaluable experiences- interviewing celebrities, meeting inspiring people and novel experiences on the job. but sometimes, it just feels like for a sake of a story, a big fuss is made over nothing and it really feels like shit when bosses give you a hard time because they are scary as eff.

it's really difficult to be arcane about some things so i think i'll just try my best.

but not too honest, it is a public space after all.

the deterioration of a relationship made 2012 tough. inevitable changes shook and eventually crumbled the foundations and what we tried to restore just wasn't good enough. some things are game changing and there is just no way about it. i am forgetting. while good times should always be remembered, i find myself forgetting. it wasnt supposed to and didnt at first, but things have somehow ended somewhat badly.

and then like gears, the right circumstances clicked into place and set off a beautiful chain of motion that has brought me where i am today- happy. forget throwing spanners, just a loose cog would have set everything off course which makes what i have all the more precious. it couldnt have been easy, we all had issues and i'm sure it started our scary- tentative, nervous and unknown.

there are more things but this fancy bed is seriously inviting