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Monday, May 24, 2010 9:24 PM

dear life, i face an empty page because i know not what to say, nor how to say it. how can i lay bare what's within if nothing can describe it? no images and no words, not even shadows, just an abstract form of non-matter. there you go, words to describe nothingness. abstract form of non-matter.

with the end of all the horrid tests and graded essays, i've been stuffing myself with books. i didn't read books during the weeks of tests, not because it's time consuming. but it's so emotionally tiring to read books sometimes. like you empathise too much with the protaganist and i tend to feel really strongly what the books want me to feel. im terrified after reading The Sandman (k so it's not really a book with words), disenchanted after Catcher In The Rye, happy after chick lit (but a little jealous too) and view the world differently, like it contained some kind of mystical secrets, after Anthony Horowitz's series The Power of Five (my brother's). which is why it's easier to read time/the economist/newspapers sometimes, coz of the matter of fact presentation of it all. although they do emotionally blackmail you sometimes. which i absolutely hate. like speeches that are overtly emotional in public speaking competitions. they just make me wanna vomit. k am just rambling now.

exciting stuff. yum yum chick lit and children's adventure books are my weaknesses, i just gobble them up like fries with garlic chili and mayo.

am really just twiddling my thumbs and typing whatever i feel like here. organised posts are so not my thing. tables and files too.

o yea. please gtfo my tagboard bloody advertisers/spammers. go earn your 5c/tag somewhere else. >: am deleting them as soon i can remember my cbox password.


hate how some things are just means to an end. am in this junior journalists club thingamajig and if you do well i.e. submit lots of articles, you might be able to get an internship in radio (!!!!!!!!) and if you know me, being in the media is all i wanna do. but it's like... meh. it pains me to have to write politically correct bullshit to promote "social cohesion" and "harmony". then because we're part of the "youth demographic", brownie points goes to them for "engaging the youth" and "instilling the right values" in the nation's "future leaders". oh my god do i hate that phrase. "future leaders". adults seem to have to drop that in every time they address us. them adults. them authoritarian figures.

i've been thinking about what i wanna do when i grow up lately. it kind of stinks not having concrete goals, but well. roughly roughly. as mentioned i wanna be in the media! be a journalist/foreign correspondent/radio dj/actress/news anchor/ director/producer/whatever. but after social etiquette class today (zzz), i've given thought to becoming an air stewardess! meet people, travel, smile lots, get kaching. not so bad, no? i want to see the world! plus my auntie, whom i looked up to a lot when i was young, was a glamorous air stewardess! she probably still is. i wouldn't know. but then again, my ultimate dream is to own a criminal ring, be the 大姐大 of a syndicate. SEX MONEY & POWERRRRRRRR. woohoo bringing feminism to a whole new level. must have sexy henchmen.

now i must really seem like a disturbed teenager. blame the sensationalisation of organised crime in today's world.

you know, i think i'm a very reciprocal kind of person. not even sure if reciprocal is the right word in the context. reciprocative? yes reciprocative. but mm. i'm wary. like, i don't dare to call someone my really^3 good friend, unless they feel the same way about me. you can call me selfish in that way, or just really insecure. coz i make it a point to give to others the same amount that they give me. giving more makes me feel vulnerable while giving less makes me feel bad.

yaa digggg me dawwwwg?

sometimes, the phoniness of it all is suffocating. so catcher in the rye, but so true. like facebook. it feels phony. am personally guilty of accepting people i dont know as friends coz im just like "omg. they wanna be friends with me!! how can i say no awwww". or like comments! interaction with people you barely know and its so awkward. like niceties overload. and the use of phrases that just play in my head with a cockney accent. makes me wanna laugh at the phoniness of it all.

wow this has been my longest post for the longest time. good for you if you've been with me all the way through. good bye world. "high class lunch" @ breeks tomorrow @ social etiquette class. o well. better than lessons.

*edit. have since deleted spam messages and reported them as spam. HOHO. gives me great pleasure in doing that. same as with msn. LOVE REPORTING ABUSE.