never have i felt so... wei3 qu1 to be somewhere, all i wanted was to apparate out. but wait, you can't apparate out of dungeons can you.
She explained herself on friday. allegedly. not to us, of course. to the juniors. after a major suanning session. how do i feel about it? i feel so VINDICATED (i am selfish, i am wrong~). it doesnt matter, what She says. i really don't even care anymore, i know my place now and i will be quiet now. speaking out is futile, why did i even bother, i dont know.
because i care, maybe? because i actually gave a shit about how things are run, maybe?
that was the pits. when She said it like we didn't care, like we were doing this because we were childish and liked to stir up shit for nothing, like we were doing this because we wanted to destroy everything. please, why would we want to destroy something we worked so hard to build?
i'm quite tired of explaining myself, whoever, juniors, teachers, whoever, can think what they want. they can buy it entirely, buy it partly, don't buy it at all, and it's okay. because so long as i know what i felt, i know why i felt that way and that will be enough. i make it clear, i am not apologetic in the least for feeling the way i feel, because i feel that it is within reason and i refuse to buy into her attempts at explanation.
so we did what we had to do, we called her and asked to put it behind us. because it was the rational mature thing to do. because if we didnt, there may be dire consequences. but sometimes, i dont want to be mature. i dont want to give up my values, my principles and bow to authority. childish, immature? so be it. i am but 16 after all, everything short of a grown up, being mature at this age is not a given.
yet, i feel as if i've lost yet another part of my innocence. i remember blogging this before, once again, it was about Her. we go a long way back, we do.
growing up, learning to play this game by the rules.
if this is what's growing up, i'm not sure i want to.